I was reviewing some of my old posts, and found this poem that I wrote way back on January 2008 and posted it on WordPress on January 2016. Looking forward for your comments.
Oh Beautiful Bird
On the perch
In the cold going out
For your little ones
In their nest
Waiting for food.
I can hear your happy
Songs, in spite of your
Struggle to find a scrub.
You’re jetty and gay
Skipping, turning your
Head every other way
With a happy flutter
Of your wings.
What made you so
Sure you’ll reach your
Goal, and find what
You’re looking for?
Is it Faith? Or is it
Sheer hope? Oh what
Make you so persistent
Never giving up your search?
Or is it the simple life instinct
That if you stay over
At your nest with fear
And idle notion,
That snow has covered All, your realistic view
Of things would be
The death of you,
Laying there with
Frozen Wings?!
So, here you are
Flying to every tree,
Trying every branch,
And even on the ground
Turning every leaf around
Never…
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gainperspectiveblog 
Well the story, the message, the portrayal of the thoughts are good.
I am not keen on the way it is fragmented.
That is to say, I like each line to be something of itself and not flow over to be part of the next. e.g.
These fragmented off bits:
* song
* goal
being carried over to these lines:
* Songs, in spite of you
* Goal, and find what
instead of the next lines being:
* In spite of you
* And find what
Thank you for sharing your poem
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How kind of you to take the time to explain how it should be better. I have been waiting for this kind of insightful comments … thank you again, I look for more.
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I prefer the word “could” instead of “should” sweetheart. It is just a perspective, a choice and not a law. Enjoy your creativity.
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